If you are an adult who was abused as a child it is possible that you may have never spoken to anyone about this. Many adults keep this a secret well into their adult life and many find that the effect upon them has had devastating consequences not only throughout their childhood but also in their adult life. You may find that you have enormous difficulty in maintaining loving and trusting relationships, you may have low sense of worth and low self esteem, you may suffer from sexual difficulties and depression. In order to try and block out the abuse and to cope you may be drinking heavily, taking drugs, self harming, suffering from eating disorders and may feel suicidal.
It is important to share the way you are feeling with someone you can trust, someone who will be there for you to listen and give you support. Talking about what has happened to you can make an enormous difference and can feel like a great weight being lifted from you.
You may have been abused by a member of your family and that if you have disclosed the abuse that your family members have closed ranks and may have accused you of making it up. It can be easier to blame the survivor than face the fact that someone within the family has abused you. This can make you feel even more isolated and alone.
You may be feeling guilty as this is a very common feeling for survivors to have. You may feel guilty or bad because you didn’t say no or do anything to stop the abuse. You did what you had to do to survive and get through it. Some children are looking for love and affection, not to be abused. Nobody asks to be abused. The guilt, badness and shame is always on the head of the abuser – don’t take it onto your shoulders.
Many survivors experience nightmares and you may find it helps to write down the nightmare. This helps to get the feelings out instead of keeping them inside you. Many survivors find that writing about their abuse is therapeutic and some survivors may express their feelings through poetry, art, letters, and you may find that talking through what happened through counselling does lead to a reduction in nightmares and flashbacks. Tell yourself that it is only a nightmare, nobody can hurt you now, you are safe, the past cannot hurt you now.
You may feel a general feeling of being unsafe in the world and that everyone out there is going to hurt you. In relation to the abuse and how they think about the abuse it is common for a survivor to be stuck in thinking with their ‘child head’. Try and recognise this and when you have feelings of being unsafe, frightened try and tell yourself that you are just thinking with your ‘child head’ and need to think with your ‘adult head’ now. As an adult you recognise you are safe, your house is locked, nobody can get in, there are good people in the world and not just people who hurt others, there are people in the world who you can trust, not everyone out there will betray your trust etc. Recognise that what happened was a long time ago and in order to move on you need to start thinking with your ‘adult head’.
Flashbacks are common for survivors to experience and these can be triggered off by anything which may remind you of the abuse. When you have a flashback it can seem so real that you actually can feel you are back in the past and the abuse is actually taking place. It is important to remind yourself that you are now an adult and not a child and nobody is hurting you now, you are safe, try and take slow deep breadths and this will help you to feel less anxious and panicky. To bring yourself back into the present there are things which help like stamping your feet on the ground, clapping your hands, look at the room you are in, listen to the sounds you can hear, remind yourself that you are an adult and safe.
Anger is another very common feeling and that anger may have been inside you for a long time. It will help to find a safe way of expressing that anger. Some people find it helps to write a letter to the person who abused them, saying exactly how they felt about what happened to them and how the abuse has affected their life – you do not have to send the letter (unless you want to and some survivors do and finds this helps) – you can either keep it in a drawer and take it out and read it when you find that anger is building up inside you until you are ready to get rid of that anger and throw the letter away – which means you are no longer holding on to the anger but ready to let it go and not let it affect you for the rest of your life.
Other people may find that pummelling pillows can help get out their anger, ripping up paper, taking up self defence, keep fit, dancing, and talking – letting the anger out is important. You don’t need to turn the anger onto yourself – you have done nothing wrong – you need to start taking care of yourself – a person who has been abused needs all the love and support in the world.
You may find it very difficult to trust and that is understandable because your trust has been betrayed. However, if you are to move on with your life you need to learn to trust again. Yes, be cautious but you need to take the risk of trusting again – yes you may get hurt but you are an adult now and you can deal with that – but you may not get hurt – you may find yourself a loving and caring relationship – if you don’t open yourself up to trust you will never find that.
You may find that you have difficulty in sexual relationships because this can remind you of the abuse. Talk to your partner, if there is something which makes you feel uncomfortable talk about that, you may need to stop for a while, it may help you for your partner to remind you where you are, you are in the present, you are safe. There are psychosexual counsellors who are especially trained in helping people who have difficulty in sexual relationships and you can learn to build up trust again.
If you are a survivor it means you have strength. Always see yourself as asurvivor and not a victim. Believe in yourself that you have the strength and ability to move forward with your life. You want to get to a stage where the past does not effect your everyday life. As a child who was abused you had no choice what happened to you and were controlled by others. As an adult you do have a choice and can choose which path you take – a path towards negativity, destroying yourself as a person, continually blaming yourself and putting yourself down – or you can choose a path towards healing and recovery – learning to like and love yourself, praise yourself, value yourself, take the blame and guilt off your shoulders, start to be positive, start to achieve what you want to achieve in life, move towards happiness, love, fulfilment. The choice is yours.
You need a lot of support around you. When you have periods when you get very depressed and feel unsafe in the world do something to make yourself feel good, pamper yourself, look after yourself, do something which makes you feel happy. Some people find it helps to have a ‘safe box’ where they keep anything which makes them feel good and safe – it could be pictures and photos of people they love, photos of places where they went on holiday, pictures which conjure up relaxing and peaceful images (e.g. beaches, countryside, forests, dolphins, waterfalls etc.), it could be a piece of material like velvet which feels good to touch, seashells, pebbles – something which feels good to hold. Cuddling up with a blanket around you and a cuddly toy can often help – do whatever helps you in your recovery and helps you to heal.
You may have a low self esteem and this is not surprising – you may think how can you be worth anything if someone can abuse you. Remember you are worth just as much as anyone else, you are not bad, or worthless. You are a unique and special person who deserves to be loved and cared for. You have to learn to love yourself first. There are ways you can increase your self esteem (see separate pages on this) and counselling will help with this also. Be determined that the past abuse will not destroy the rest of your life – you deserve better than that. Be patient with yourself, healing and recovery can take time but believe in yourself that you have the strength to get there.
It is so common for a survivor to say ‘I hate myself, the abuse was my fault, Ididn’t do anything to stop it,’ – if you ever say that to yourself that is the child part in you thinking as a child would think -STOP – think with your adult head what would you say to a friend who disclosed they had been abused and they thought they were bad and that it was their fault? As an adult would you not say ‘no, itwasn’t your fault, it was the abusers fault, there was nothing you could do to stopit’ – if you would say that to a friend then try and befriend yourself – talk toyourself as you would talk to a friendbecause then you are talking with your adult head. You can be kind and caring to a friend – be kind and caring to yourself! If it wasn’t your friend’s fault when they were abused – how on earth can it have been your fault when you were abused? Next time you run yourself down – STOP – and talk to yourself as you would a friend!
Many survivors find it difficult to care for themselves as an adult and if this is difficult for you then it may help to try and focus on the child inside you. Think of the little girl or boy inside you – he/she has done nothing wrong, all the child wants is to be held, to be nurtured, to be cared for, to be loved. When you repeatedly put yourself down, tell yourself you are useless, worthless, a failure, bad……think of the little child inside you who is listening to that, think how they must be feeling. You may have been in a situation where your parent continually put you down and made you feel worthless but are you not doing the same to yourself? Next time you start to run yourself down, stop, think about the child inside you – start to love that child – to say nice positive things, – start to care for the child within you and give it all the love and feelings of safety and reassurance and encouragement that perhaps you never had but longed for. You have the chance now to care for the child within you and that will then help you to care for your adult self.
Get as much support and help for yourself as you can in your healing and recovery and don’t feel that you have to cope alone.
Listed below are some helplines and agencies which can help you and also some websites which give excellent information and support for survivors. Some also include chat rooms and forums where you can speak with other survivors.
(remember do not divulge real name, address, phone number etc. if you go into chat rooms on websites).
Many websites contain excellent support and information for survivors, however, they can also invoke feelings of sadness. It may be best to access sites when you know you will be able to talk to someone or see someone afterwards, for a hug or just to hear a friendly supportive voice. When you feel sad please take care of yourself, cuddle up with a hot drink and blanket or a cuddly toy, take a relaxing bath, watch your favourite film, listen to relaxing music, look at photos and picture which make you feel safe, and make you smile – do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself. Agencies which provide information & support to adult survivors of abuse
Agencies which provide information & support to adult survivors of abuse
SupportLine Telephone Helpline: 01708 765200 Provides emotional support to male and female survivors of abuse and associated issues. Also keeps details of counsellors and survivor support groups, helplines, and details of counsellors listed with the National Register of Male Sexual Assault Counsellors throughout the UK. Also provides email email@example.com and postal support SupportLine, PO Box 1596, Ilford, Essex IG1 3FW.
Aurora Health Foundation: 020 8541 1951
email firstname.lastname@example.org www.aurorahealthfoundation.org.uk A charity offering counseling, support groups, complementary therapies, workshops and support to adult men and women survivors of childhood trauma or abuse and victims of violent crime and to their partners. Most of the practitioners are survivors themselves, or partners of survivors. Fees do apply for these services but can be negotiated. Cover Greater London and Home Counties.
Boarding School Survivors:
www.boardingschoolsurvivors.co.uk Workshops for men and women who wish to re-examine their own experience of boarding school, its effects on their lives and to look for healing.
Bristol Crisis Service for Women: www.selfinjurysupport.org.uk National helpline for women in distress, especially those who self injure and run and support self help groups.
CSSA (Christian Survivors of Sexual Abuse): CSSA National, PO Box 951, Northampton NN7 9AS – Independent group of Christian survivors who offer self help support to those Christians who have been sexually abused in childhood. Currently 4 self help groups around the country.
Directory and Book Services (DABS): 01255 851115
email email@example.com www.dabsbooks.co.uk 69 Woodberry Way, Walton on Naze CO14 8EW – Books relating to survivors of abuse available by mail order.
The DABS Pathfinder Service (Part of Directory and Book Services): 01255 675351 www.dabspathfinder.org Signposting organisation that provides free support al over UK and Republic of Ireland to anyone and any organisation regarding issues to do with childhood abuse, incest and rape.
First Person Plural: PO Box 2537, Wolverhampton, WV4 4ZL www.Firstpersonplural.org.uk UK wide survivor led association for survivors of trauma and abuse who experience dissociative distress. Offer support and information to survivors friends, families and professionals through a newsletter (Subs £7/£10). Optional contact list and meetings for survivor members only.
Mind (National Association for Mental Health): 0845 766 0163 www.mind.org.uk Publish a booklet ‘Understanding Dissociative Disorders’.
Minister and Clergy Sexual Abuse Survivors (MACSAS) 0808 801 0340
www.macsas.org.uk support group for women and men from Christian background who have been sexually abused by ministers or clergy as children or as adults.
Moira Anderson Foundation: 01236 602890 www.moiraanderson.org.uk (area served Scotland) Helpline offering advice, support and counselling for survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
MOSAC: 0800 980 1958 (National helpline) www.mosac.org.uk Counselling and art therapy by appointment. Groups for parents of children who have been sexually abused. Greenwich S.London based.
NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood): 0800 085 3330 www.napac.org.uk Provides referrals and free extracts from the DABS Resource Packs to survivors.
PICT Therapists Directory:
www.ppfoundation.org Directory of qualified Parks Inner Child Therapists, fast, thorough and gentle therapy model created by the author of ‘Rescuing the Inner Child’.
PODS (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors):
0800 181 4420 www.pods-online.org.uk PODS works to make recovery from dissociative disorders a reality through training, informing, supporting. Provides information and awareness training days/workshops to inform and educate about the reality of living with and recovering from dissociation, trauma and sexual abuse, suitable both for dissociative survivors, their supporters and professionals. PODS provides a weekly telephone helpline, ongoing e-mail support, resources such as an e-magazine, information booklets and emergency DID information cards, signposting to other organisations and opportunities for survivors, partners and supporters to meet together and provide mutual support.
RAINS (Ritual Abuse Information Network & Support): 01483 898600 Primarily a support group and information sharing network for professionals working with child or adult survivors of ritual abuse, also for carers of survivors including foster parents. Can sometimes help survivors find suitable therapists but is not really a helpline for survivors.
Rape & Sexual Abuse Support Centre: Helpline 0808 802 9999 , Counselling 020 8683 3311
email firstname.lastname@example.org www.rasasc.org.uk Helpline support and information for all survivors of rape or childhood sexual abuse.
RESPOND: 0808 808 0700 email email@example.com www.respond.org.uk Helpline, counselling and psychotherapy for children, adults and elders with learning difficulties who are either victims or perpetrators of sexual abuse and other trauma.
The Roofie Foundation: www.roofie.com Advice information and support on drug assisted rape.
SAFE: 01722 410889
SAFE provides a telephone helpline for survivors of ritual abuse and their supporters.
Sexual Violence Legal Advice Line:
020 7251 8887 (phone) or 020 7490 2562 (textphone)
Mondays 11am-1pm and Tuesdays 10am-12 noon. Free confidential legal advice too women on sexual violence issues including rape, sexual assault, child sex offences, family related sex offences, trafficking, general criminal legal advice.
STEP UP: 020 8517 5888 www.step-up-charity.co.uk Support for parents and carers of sexually abused children. Run by parents of sexually abused children. Telephone helpline, drop in and befriending service. (Drop in Ilford, Essex area).
STOP IT NOW!: 0808 1000 900 www.stopitnow.org.uk Child Sexual Abuse campaign that aims to provide adults with the information they need to protect children effectively. The campaign also urges adults worried about their own thoughts or behaviour towards children to seek help.
Survivors Network: 01273 720110 National helpline offering support for women (16+) who were sexually abused in childhood. Open Wed and Friday 7pm to 9pm. Drop-in service and facilitated support group sessions for women who live locally to Brighton and Hove.
Voice UK: Helpline 0808 802 8686 www.voiceuk.org.uk Telephone support and information for adults and children with learning disabilities who have been abused, and for their families and carers.
Agencies which provide support and information specifically for male survivors
AMSOSA UK (Adult Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse) – formerly Swindon Survivors: 0845 430 9371 ,www.amsosa.com – National helpline and support group for male survivors 17 and over of rape and childhood abuse.
Male Rape/Sexual Abuse (MRSA) Support Association:
24 hr helpline 07932 898274 ,www.communigate.co.uk/lancs/mrsa/ – Help and support to male victims of rape and adult male survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Based in Lancashire but nationwide information and referral service. Support groups in both Blackpool and Preston, outreach service, confidential listening and counselling sessions.
The Mankind Initiative: 01823 334244 –www.mankind.org.uk – National telephone helpline providing counselling, support and information to men with relationship issues, and physical, emotional, sexual abuse. (Can also provide treatment for female perpetrators of abuse).
Survivors UK: 0845 122 1201 , firstname.lastname@example.org, www.survivorsuk.org – National helpline offering information, support and counselling for anyone affected by the sexual assault of men. One to one counselling and support groups for male survivors in the London area.
Trauma Counselling Line Scotland: 08088 020406 – confidential telephone counselling service for male survivors of childhood abuse.
Partners of survivors of abuse
If your partner has recently disclosed to you that they were abused you may well be in a state of shock, disbelief, confusion and not knowing what to do, how to help, what to say etc.
You may also be experiencing an enormous amount of anger against the person who abused your loved one. There may be anger also towards your partner that maybe you felt they should have told you sooner.
At this time your partner will also be feeling very unsure of themselves, unsure how you will react, unsure whether you will believe them (when perhaps others haven’t), unsure whether you will blame them, unsure whether it will change the way you see them, change your love for them, change the relationship you have together).
It is important to recognise that your partner has put in you an enormous amount of trust by telling you about they have been abused which is a very difficult thing to do.
A survivor has to be ready to disclose abuse in their own time – do not take this personally and be upset that they may not have told you sooner – survivors cope with life in many cases by blocking off and denying the abuse – that is how they get through each day, how they get on with their lives – by admitting the abuse to another person they are having to face the reality of the abuse and sometimes that can be very difficult for a survivor to do.
Recognise and accept that you cannot take away your partner’s pain, you cannot make it all better, you cannot force them to get help, and never force them to divulge details of the abuse to you unless they choose to. Many survivors find it easier to talk about the abuse to someone not known to them like a helpline, counsellor, trusted friend – again do not take this personally – your partner needs to talk about this openly with someone and may not be able to do that with someone they are close to and love – they may hold back for fear of upsetting their partner and may find it difficult to talk about explicit details for fear of it affecting their relationship with you.
When a survivor is abused all control is taken from them. It is natural that you may feel you want to take control now of the situation to help them, get them to see a counsellor, get them to talk, etc. However, that is the worse thing you can do. You must let the survivor work through this in their own time and in their own way. They need to be ready to get help and to work through what has happened to them. They need to stay in control.
Disclosing abuse to a partner can effect a survivor in many ways – they may pull back from intimacy, they may pull back from affection or they may want more intimacy and/or more affection. Again don’t take it personally if your partner has times when they don’t want to be touched and cannot cope with intimacy. Always reassure your partner they are safe and you are there for them.
Useful websites for Partners of Survivors
PODS (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors):
0800 181 4420
www.havoca.org – click on Friends/Family – Partners & Loved Ones of Survivors
What you can do is to be there for your partner if they want to talk, if they want affection, if they want intimacy. It may help to reassure your partner –
I’m here if and when you want to talk
This doesn’t change in any way my love for you or how I feel about you
Is there anything I can do to help you deal with this?
What do you need from me?
I’m here if you need me.
Try to keep doing things together you enjoy doing, try not to let the past abuse dominate your lives. A walk in the park or getting out in the countryside can be a therapeutic thing to do together – to remind you both that there is beauty and good things in the world – be at one with nature.
Survivors can and do heal from the abuse they suffered in their past and will need a lot of caring, patience, support, love from their partners while on their journey to recovery.
If you are a partner of a survivor you may well need support and someone to talk to for yourself. Many of the agencies/helplines and websites listed above also offer support, information and help for partners so make full use of these.